fashion + beauty + insider interviews + est 2006

Friday, March 28, 2008


worldwide - blaynistas. you know me. i am a writer. writing and reading is my life. and in my 25 years, i've read lots. trust me. but my eyes have never come across something as funny and readable as this review of red lobster which i saw online at without further ado, see the review by mike w below.

a photo of the outside of a red lobster which i saw online.

"The Red Lobster night will go down in infamy. In! Famy! Well, maybe not. But at least now I'll think twice before eating another bucketful of breaded, bite-sized crustaceans. Here's the mise-en-scene. Phillip, Mrs. Phillip, Havy and yours truly, after several weeks of lightheartedly suggesting a dinner at R.Lobst finally decide to make good and go on the rainiest, weather-suckiest Friday night ever. After a considerable wait, we finally got the call on our Red Lobster Cellular Communicator that we could take our seats in the modestly decorated dining room. There weren't even those wooden lobster traps on the walls! Clearly, New York does it classy. First off, our waitress was rad and had the ironic sense of humor that I presume is necessary to work at the Times Square Red Lobster. I want her to be my friend. Phillip and I got the gluttony ball rolling by each ordering a Lobsterita. The Lobsterita can only be described as a stadium full of sugar and nothing but sugar. "Lobsterita" is, in fact, a bit of a misnomer. Not present: a noticeable amount of alcohol. Or lobster, but that's neither here nor there. No one should consume the Lobsterita ever. So after getting an extreme sugar high and making the requisite, inappropriate "Thanks for the Type II" jokes, the Cheddar Bay Biscuits came and we each had about seventy-three. Finally our entrees came. We, of course, all got Never-Ending Shrimp or All-You-Can-Eat-Shrimp or Shrimpus Infinitum or whatever it's called. You get two different kinds of shrimp (Breaded, Garlic Scampi, etc.) and you can keep ordering more to your now-sluggishly beating heart's (mal)content. Radness of the waitress Exhibit B: While putting down our first plates, "Do you want to put in your second order now, so it's ready right when you're done with these?" Do you even have to ask, my friend? By the time I was halfway through my plate I couldn't see straight."

an upclose photo of red lobsters' epic cheddar bay biscuits. i live and die for these. do you?

"My memory is all kind of blurry and shrimpy after that, which was all due to the volume and butterosity of the food combined with the sugar from the Not-sterita. By the time my second plate came (Spicy Buffalo Shrimp) I was so full that I started fearing Kevin Spacey-like serial killers were coming to kick me in my gluttonous belly and cause my inevitable bodily fulmination. Naturally, I picked at my plate a little more. Then I went home and fell asleep at ten o'clock on a Friday night. I now hate the following: shrimp, neon lobsters, food, myself, life. It was fun.
No, really. I got exactly what I wanted, albeit in such a quantity that I now wonder if Red Lobster is actually part of Dante's ironic construction of hell. You should go!"


Trashbagaesthetics said...

Is it me....or is everyone just addicted to those damn biscuits?

Zandile Blay said...

trust - it's not just you! just call them cheddar crack biscuits! zb

Dominican Enigma said...

yum those looks incredible

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, let me see your hips, ass and thighs!

Blog Widget by LinkWithin